I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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