"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
