she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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