Screwed.edu
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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