I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
