the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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