i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
