It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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