Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
