So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
