I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
