I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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