when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
