I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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