Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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