i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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