You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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