So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
