Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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