I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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