thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize