Got a toothbrush?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
