Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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