Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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