I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
