Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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