I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Dear god my vagina.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
