I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
