Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
