I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I want to be your penis for a week.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
