I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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