she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
