You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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