he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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