drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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