blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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