I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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