Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
