im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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