I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
