im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
