Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
