It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
