I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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