You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
