Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
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