highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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