my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
