so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
i think i just lost a toe
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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