I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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