I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
