the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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