Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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