my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize