if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I look better un-naked...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
