I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize