This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm too high and old for this...
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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