I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
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