just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
