He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
