Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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