There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
