I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
