My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
